The most powerful form of manipulation
Your life according to what and where you yourself believe what you yourself know that life is good for you, no matter what others think or say
A contribution of Ans Remmits
What is emotional blackmail?
Do you people ever say to you:
“If you really would love me then
Look what you calling me
Do not leave me, otherwise
You’re the only one who can help me ”
If you recognize any of these statements, you have to deal with emotional blackmail. This is a powerful form of manipulation in which people threaten to punish us if we do not do what they want. e.g. we call bad or selfish by their ill on you to slide, etc.
How does emotional blackmail?
To cut a long story short, here is a concrete example that you feel what is meant by emotional blackmail.
Request: your father wants something from you
Resistance: you do not want that and says no
Pressure: your father’s trying to pressure rather than your refusal to understand
Threats: Your father gave you on the consequences of your behavior: if you do not then ….
Admit you’re scared and admits
Repeat: your father’s experience, this works for you and will repeat his behavior in the future.
Which means using the blackmailer?
His sentence at all costs by driving creates the blackmailer FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Translated this means:
Scare: Do what I say or else … and a number of threats as follows: you must do this because otherwise I will leave you, stop loving you, you disapprove of, not speak to you
You do feel obliged to do something he says it’s your duty! E.g. a good daughter obeys her father, or at work, listen and obey the boss
Debt on your slide: You’re a bad person if you do not.
To summarize the words of the singer: you would, you have to, you are required, you owe me owe this.
Characteristics of the blackmailer
They hate loss
You does not count, only those
They want at all costs that you do what they want because they are not able to cope with frustration
They are completely focused on herself, “I want it NOW”
Making elephants mosquitoes
Aggressive behavior makes them feel powerful
Actually they are scarey people
She never compromises Close
Always point the finger at the other because they certainly do not want to look at their own behavior, but only to what the other so-called mistakes.
See having a different opinion as a direct attack on itself
Characteristics of people who allow themselves to blackmail
The above shows that the blackmailer only puts the blame on one another: you have done. Oddly enough the people who point to blackmail with the finger to the other, he is such a bogeyman. Yes, that’s true but ….
where a blackmailer, there is also a person who lets himself be blackmailed. In other words, you let the other person that you blackmailing. You let scare you. You shall ensure that the other has his way. But why are you doing this? What are your motives? To mention a few:
Need for approval “if I do not get approval there is something wrong with me”
Often the Atlas syndrome: a strong sense of responsibility.
The women also suffer again often the syndrome Brave Girls
They are self-doubters: maybe it’s true that I … maybe I’m missing something
Laying Authority on the other: they know better than me
Danger from the response to emotional blackmail is that you lose your integrity and your self-respect. You betray yourself by not being faithful to yourself. For the relationship with the other, this means you have lost confidence in others and why you’re talking only superficial small talk. It is contact without intimacy because you do not feel safe with the blackmailer.
If you now own more you actually want to live life, then you end emotional blackmail in different ways, each of interest. I mention below some possible exercises.
Sign a contract with yourself
v.b. Text: I …. see myself as a mature man with many choices. I’m going now cause emotional blackmail from my life disappears. To achieve this goal I talk to myself the following questions:
I promise myself that fear, guilt and so-called obligations no longer define my decisions.
I promise myself that I bother doing this for all sorts of skills to learn and integrate into my life.
I promise myself that if I drop in again sometime an old pattern, I do not want to use as an excuse to stop the suppression of Emotional Blackmail in my life. I see no real mistake is a mistake as long as I am willing to learn.
I promise myself that I look after myself and will make every step, however small, will appreciate.
Read this contract, then every day for 1 week
Motto: I can take it
Instead of: ‘I can not bear this guilt, I can not stand that he is mad at me. ”
Practice this statement in mind if someone blackmails. The words I can it be this way a kind of shield between you and his or her words or gestures
Convert old thoughts and feelings in new
As you think, if you feel well. Therefore, it is useful first to find out how you’re doing now negative. Purpose, the following questions were formulated:
If you have a blackmailer, how do you respond? Example:
I tell myself that what I want is wrong
I am not for myself
I tell myself that it pays to admit, because other than keep quiet
How do you feel as if you respond to the blackmailer? Example:
Scared, angry, resentful, frustrated, powerless
Now go the opposite note, for example:
What I want is normal, even if the blackmailer does evil
I assert myself, even if the other evils
By admitting I lose my integrity
What are your feelings new here: for example
Strong, proud, brave, excited
Finally, now make a kind of summary which is affirmation. Example:
“I’m against emotional blackmail and I feel this / this strong and proud.”
Send out an SOS
If you think you succumb, will yield to the demands of the other into against your will, fear, you can send an SOS. That is, you uses three techniques: Stop Observing Strategy
Stop doing nothing, take no decision. How?
“Let me think about” Maybe the blackmailer has a deadline, but that’s not your deadline.
The singer will push: no NOW Now, how long before you know it? Your answer:
“It takes as long as it takes” and you repeat it. You now have another put on hold position so that the balance of power in favor of you has changed
Accept the awkward fix: I can it.
If you’ve done well but you still feel bad try these uncomfortable feelings in a broader perspective: it is only one aspect of the situation instead that a comprehensive totality. Endure these uncomfortable feelings that you reach your goal!
Dialogue with the uncomfortable feeling, take an object that symbolizes this feeling, put it on an empty chair and go talk. This place you feel you out and you will be better able to deal with.
Ask yourself the following questions for an unloaded picture of what is going on.
What did the person, how was this request, what did he not immediately agreed
What do you think yourself: write all this. You may think something like
If I love someone, I am responsible for his happiness
Good people make other people happy
If I do what I want, the other sees me as selfish
I never win this person
The other is stronger
Their feelings are more important than mine
Remember: none of these thoughts are true!
Observe your feelings and take it too seriously. Every time you feelings of resentment or anger, then this indicates that the request is not in your interest.
See the application below: what makes me so uncomfortable, notice is also taken into consideration my feelings and wishes, what benefit is there for me.
If I say yes, this would hurt me
I betrayed someone like me will say yes? Yes. I betrayed myself!
Do I stand for that which I believe
Let me identify myself with fear
I’ll decide who I am, or I let others define who I am: you’re bad, selfish, etc.
Final Question: If it all to me, what should I do?
If you know what you want to say, you have a good transfer.
No statement or explanation: “I do not want that, I feel not”
Not self-defense: I’m not bad etc.In instead say
Frightened and screaming does not help
Let’s talk more when you’re calmer weather
You are absolutely right (even if you did not mean)
Dealing with threats like: you’ll be sorry, I’m sick because of you
You say it
Apparently we see things differently
I have a different view
For the strategy to succeed, it needed a good mental attitude.
Remember that you are asking something reasonable: stop manipulating me.
You’re afraid that now the relationship breaks down, but that’s as bad as it destroy the relationship with yourself
You can win this war: not to flee = admit, but by learning to cope with unpleasant feelings. “I can bear censure as long as I stay connected to my integrity”. Hold on to your own standards, values, desires and wishes.
That the strategy is working, you can prepare yourself in different ways
Go into the shoes of the singer, with your after him in words and behavior, feel how it is. You will notice that you do not feel powerful and that’s not such a person. It is a little frightened child. Powerful people will not com under pressure and do something against your will.
If you are afraid of a black hole to fall “and that if that happens …..” try this in mind, every black hole steps. And then go after what is the opposite of the black hole example dealing with friends. If you’re afraid of difficult days, think as much as possible the best day of your life
Liabilities: Think about what the other expects all yours, write this down. And then you rewrite the list with the meaning behind it: where is this written bv a good mother to the wishes of her children to meet …. where is it written that a good mother to meet the needs of her children
Guilt: You should not feel guilty because you want to do something to enrich your life.
Allegations: these are only: views, opinions, projections (return address)
If the other person calls you selfish, repeat to yourself, his opinion is not fact
Guilt are often more stubborn, so here are two exercises
Exercise: The Paradox
Place an empty chair for you and put you in mind for the blackmailer. Now go do admit “I know you can not do without me, so I will do anything you want. I figure I absolutely love for you and will always take care of you even to the detriment of myself” If you so talk, feel how ridiculous the request of the other is!
guilt tackled with e.g. a fairy tale. Write story about your relationship with your sister. By doing this you get more insight into the relationship that makes you feel so guilty
To conclude, I say: stay true to yourself, deny yourself, listen to yourself. So that you do for yourself and your best friend continues. By not betray yourself, you can maintain confidence and self-esteem and strengthen. And only then are really fun and enjoy the life that you given, possibly
Enjoy your life, it’s your life!